


They Had Zzex

by AmeliaDogwood



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angel/Demon Sex, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Metaphysical Sex, My First Smut, Not Beta Read, Other, Post-Canon, Smut, Weird genitals, Why Did I Write This?, never let me write at two in the morning ever again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-28 03:36:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20057371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmeliaDogwood/pseuds/AmeliaDogwood
Summary: Beelzebub and Gabriel think they have figured out how the traitors survived and now they are going to test it.





	They Had Zzex

**Author's Note:**

> So... I don't write smut. I never thought I would write smut. But apparently my sleep deprived brain had other ideas and.... THIS of all things is what it came up with. It's.... unique... 
> 
> I think the plot was a good idea but the rest... I apologies in advance...

One week after the failed end of the world and failed execution of the traitors the respective leaders felt they needed to meet to... discus next steps. 

“You where zzzzposed to be here an hour ago!” Beelzebub said as Gabriel finally came though the door of the cafe they where meeting at. 

“You know how hard it is to get away from a bunch of angels without being noticed when they all want answers from you?” He said straightening his lapels and sitting down opposite them.

“Not any harder than with demonzzz, I azzzure you,” they said folding their arms and glaring. “Don't try and act like you have it zzo much harder.”

Not having a satisfactory answer he decided to just ignore that statement or else they would be on the same argument all day. “Are you having any luck figuring how they where immune in the first place?” he asked.

“Don't you think that would be the firzzzt thing I would mention if I knew? Of courzzze not. There are really only two anzzwers though, aren't there? Ether they are zzome how tricking uzz or they really are zzomething else entirely.”

“And it's the later that scars me,” he admitted. 

“Well look who'zz not zzo perfect anymore?” Beez said leaning back in their chair with their arms crossed. “Didn't know you could get zzcared,” they said sarcastically. 

“Of course I'm scared!” he yell/whispered. “Everyone should be scared! There are two powerful traitors out there and we have no idea what they are capable of and even if they aren't anything special they found a way to trick all of us which honestly might make them more dangers.”

“Oh I'm not arguing,” the said with a smirk. “It'zz juzzt funny for you to be freaked out for once.” 

Gabriel scoffed. “So what do you propose we do about them? I mean we can't very well have them gallivanting around, can we?” 

“If they really are zzomething different, how do you think they did it?” they asked looking out the window seemingly not hearing his last question or at least not listening to it.

“How should I know?” he asked. “I mean they've both been down here for 6,000 years. And presumably in their... relationship... for at least most of that. If they had less powers then I would imagine that humanity was just rubbing off on them but since they seem to still be the same they must be rubbing off on each other.”

“They had zzex!” they said like a light bulb had gone off. 

“Well knowing what other human indulgences they have I suppose that's a possibility but I don't see what that has to do with-”

“No, no don't you zzee? Maybe they literally rubbed off on each other! If they had zzex not just physically but metaphysically than enough of their auras might have rubbed off onto each other to make them immune! Come on,” they said grabbing his arm. “We've got to tezzt it!”

“Wait, what?” he said once he had finally retested what was happening. “What do you mean test it?” 

“I know you're zzlow zzo I'll brake it down. We have zzex and merge out auras and zee if anything happens. We obviously won't start with anything as drastic as holy water or anything but like, see if consecrated ground still hurts, that zzort of thing.”

“I am NOT mixing my essence with,” he looked Beelzebub up and down with a look of disgust. “That.”

“Not even to figure out how the traitors ezzcaped?”

Gabriel glared at them a moment more. “Fine,” he finally said. “This better be worth it.” 

They gave him a sly grin and snapped their fingers. The two of them ended up in a cheap motel room. The kind that wouldn't be surprised to have someone there just to have sex and leave. “Zzo, have you ever done thizz before or am I going to have to explain thingzz to you?”

“Well the metaphysical part I have done with other angels but I admit that the physical I haven't...” 

They rolled their eyes. “Well have you at leazzt made an effort before? Because I am NOT explaining that one to you.”

“I have at least attempted that before, yes,” he said. Normally it would have been very awkward disusing this with someone like Beez but because what they where about to do was even more so it made this discussion pail in comparison. 

“And? Did you zzucceed? That'zz kinda the important part.” 

“Uh, yes, I think so, I don't have much to compare it to but it should be serviceable.” 

They rolled their eyes but figured this would just be easier if they looked for themselves. “Fine, then take your pantzz off. Let's see what you got. I'll tell you if it's zzerviceable.”

“Excuse me?” he asked looking horrified for a moment.

“How do you think we where going to do thizzzz?!” they said getting more and more angry and annoyed as time went on. 

“I- fine,” he said taking his pants down.

“Well, that's not what I wazz expecting,” they said raising an eyebrow. “Um, what izz that supposed to be?” 

It appeared to be a strange long corkscrew braided thing. Like a limp, blunted, pink, unicorn horn. “Is this not what penis look like?” he asked almost inconstantly. 

“Um, no... not at all really. I zzupose we can work with it though... this should be... intorezzting.”

“I can try and change it if you want,” he said looking down at himself. 

“No, no, then we'll be here all night. Thizz will work fine. Can it at leazzt get hard?”

“Um, I think so?” he said unsure.

Beez pinched the bridge of their nose. “Well thizz will be fun,” they said sarcastically.

“Well what do you have then?” he asked now seeming much more self conses than he had been to begin with. 

They gave a wicked grin, 'maybe I can mess with him since he clearly doesn't know what anything looks like'. They pulled down their pants. “Here you go,” they said in a tone that was somewhere between seductive and mocking.

“Are you sure that's what it's supposed to look like?” he asked staring.

“Hey, who'zz the one who'zz done thizz before?” they said with a smirk. 

“Alright, fine, if you say so,” he said still examining it. 

It looked almost like a second mouth, like with teeth and everything. That is if by teeth you mean fangs and by mouth you mean weird, hairy green lips then yeah, a mouth. Gabriel was almost certain that humans didn't look like that but he wasn't going to argue with them anymore than he had to at this point.

“Good, now get on the bed,” they said pointing over. 

“Don't tell me what to do!” he said even as he walked closer to the bed. He did at least think to himself that maybe he should just follow their lead since they apparently had done this before. But they didn't need to be so rued about it. Though they where a demon do maybe they did.

Beez rolled their eyes. “Do you want to do thizz or not?”

“Fine,” he said getting on the bed. 

They snapped their fingers again and both where completely naked as they climbed on top of him. “Now, let'zz zzee what I can get thizz to do,” the said picking up his oddly shaped effort Truth be told it was a little fascinating. They knew how to stimulate normal penises, where all the most sensitive parts where, but this was new. It would be interesting to see which parts made him squirm. They ran their fingers ever so gently along the ridges of the oddly shaped coils, testing the waters. 

Gabriel shivered slightly at the touch. Well at least they knew it was doing something. They then transitioned to ruining their finger slowly up and down the length bumping as it dipped down into each divot. He made a sound, not quite a moan yet, more of a grunt, but they where getting somewhere. 

“Well at leazzst it'zz zztarting to harden zzo you did zzomething right,” they said with a somewhat relieved eye roll. They then garbed it somewhat roughly by the base and licked a long, wet strip along it's length. This did actually get a groan and finally hardened it up. “Ah, that'zz better,” they said with a smirk. They crawled up and positioned themselves above him and slowly lowered themselves down letting the fangs of their effort lightly graze his as they passed each bump. 

He hissed though his teeth with the new, somewhat painful, feeling. “Beelzebub, are you sure this is how-?”

“Shut up,” they growled glaring down at him. “No more talking.” 

He looked like he was going to say something in response but then they tightened their effort and pulled back up letting the fangs scratch even harder and the dizzy feeling from that was enough to actually shut him up. As they followed that slow rhythm a few more times Gabriel realized it didn't really feel bad. Oh it hurt, quite a bit actually, but it didn't feel bad. He would of course never admit that if asked but no one was going to ask.

“How dozze it feel?” they said giving him a wicked grin.

Well, apparently someone was going to ask.

“Not- not bad...” he managed to get out. 

“Not bad huh? Dozzze it feel good?” their grin spreading wider. 

“Yes,” he admitted without thinking.

They chuckled as they started a faster rhythm of rocking back and fourth with the fangs squeezing and scratching near the base. If they where being honest, the odd shape of his effort actually did stimulate quite well with so much texture but they weren't going to let themselves show that yet. No, they would get him all worked up first before revealing anything.

He yelped as the squeezed and contracted around his base as they slid on him in short fast strokes. Unable to deny anything at this point he let out a low groan as the inner walls of their effort squeezed him at the same time as the fangs did. Then they leaned down and started sucking and biting on the spot between his shoulder and neck as their fingers dug into his arms for leverage leaving marks. 

“Oh, fuck,” he choked out at the feeling of being bitten mutable places at once. 

“Yezz, such a dirty boy you are,” they said into his ear before biting and pulling on the lobe. As a response they got a deep grown from Gabe. Starting at his face and working their way down they started licking little patches of skin, biting at any spot that seemed extra sensitive and started thrusting their hips faster as they worked their way down. “Do you like that? Do you like getting Fucked?” the said as he made more and more little noises. 

“Please, please,” he breathed.

“Pleazze what?” they asked grinning. “What do you want?” 

“....More,” he finally moaned out. 

“Well then, I guess it's time for the second part,” they said as they thrust their hips harder and slowly pushed their essence into him as well. 

“Aaaggh!” he yelled now sound like he was in the bad kind of pain as the first brush of Beelzebub's aura brushed him.

“Quit being a baby,” the said though they did admit that it hurt for them as well. They weren't about to show that though. They did however try and push more slowly but for every step forward there was two steps back with Gabriel's essence trying to push them out.

"It hurts," he said though gritted teeth as their auras started to barley touch.

"If you zztoped trying to push me out it won't hurt zzo much," they said almost growling with effect.

"I can't do this," he said, his eyes watering. "I- I can't..."

"Gabriel! Look at me," they said using his name for the first time in this whole thing. He did, his eyes widening in surprise. "Just relax," they said not breaking eye contact. "If we're going to do this we have to do it right. Just relax."

He was so surprised at the sudden shift in demener that he couldn't help but comply. He relaxed and instead of pushing back simply pushed his aura into the same space as theirs. It did still burn at first but as they went further the pain lessened until it was nothing more than a pleasing buzz.

"Much better," they whispered. It didn't really matter though because Gabriel couldn't register actual thought right now.

It was like nothing ether of them had experienced before. Sure Gabriel had done similar with angels but this was the first time he had done it with a demon. The energy was so much more intense, like how trying to douses an oil fire with water only makes it burn more intently. 

When they finally both came down it was impossible to tell how much time had passed but they did find both of their wings where out. 

“That was...” Gabriel started.

“A very satizzfying means to an end, yezz,” they said cutting him off before he could say anything mushy. “Now, we just have to zze if it worked,” they said getting up and snapping their cloths back on. 

Gabriel seemingly to suddenly realize how naked he was followed suit. “How do you propose we test it?” he asked. 

“Well, like I zzeid before, I can try walking into a church to zzee if it burns and for you... I can draw a demonic zzigil and zee if that dozze anything.”

“Okay, but you go first, it was your idea,” he said as if he had somehow already won his argument.

They looked at him almost completely deadpan and raised one eyebrow. “Why, you zzzzcared?” the said deliberately drawing it out.

“Of course not! But if we don't know if this works anyway then the one who suggested it should have to test first.” 

“You are zzzcared,” they said grinning. 

“No I'm not! Fine, I'll do it first.”

They grinned wider as they drew various symbioses on the floor. “There, touch that,” they said pointing. 

“Are you sure it won't do something bad?” he asked as he slowly reached out.

“Well if thizz workzz then nothing will happen. If it doezzn't then it will hurt like, well, Hell.”

“That sounds so confident,” he said sarcastically. 

“Juzzt do it,” they said rolling their eyes.

He slowly reaches out and brasses himself for the worst. But once his fingers actually brush the cerfece of the sigil there's nothing but a light, cool, tingling. “It worked...” he said as he examined his hand. “I mean there was... something, but it definitely wasn't pain. Alright, your turn,” he said snapping his fingers and bringing them next to a church before Beez could protest further. “Now you.” 

They glare at him but don't protest. They had already gotten their way by making him go first so any quip at this point would be redundant. 

“And maybe take off your shoes!” he called. They glared back at him. “I mean just to make sure how effective it is. I toughed yours with my bare hands!”

They all but growled at him but did take a shoe off just to be on the safe side. They took one foot and very gingerly placed it on the floor inside the church. “Huh,” they said raising an eyebrow. It was warm but presently so, like a wood floor warmed by the sun though a window. The kind of thing that made cats—and quite frankly most people whether they admitted it or not—want to curl up in. 

“I take that to mean it worked?” Gabriel asked walking forward a little when he didn't see them jumping back or anything. 

“It did,” they said trying not to sound quite as amazed as they where. It was their idea, they shouldn't sound surprised about the outcome. “I'm zzure that they did it many more timezz then thizz to be azz immune azz they are.”

“Dose that mean... we have to do it more? To test it?” 

Beelzebub just smirked and snapped them both back to the motel room.

~*~*~*~*~

In the following week they had sex no less than 86 more times. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*

“We have to make zzure that we feel nothing from thizz before we move on to the next zztage,” they said as Gabriel was once again putting his hand on the sigil. 

“Don't you think I know that?” he snapped. “I mean yes, I understand,” he said in response to their glare that was so strong it could peel paint. 

“Becauzze if you're not zzure then this will end badly for BOTH of uzz,” they walked in a circle around him as he continued to hold his hand on the similes. “So are you zzure there is nothing?”

He waited for a moment. “No, nothing,” he finally said taking his hand off. “I guess off to the church. 

In lue of an answer they simply snapped their fingers and both of them where back at the church. This time Beez took off both of their shoes and socks to make sure they had the most contact as possible. This was not something they could second guess. 

“Anything?” Gabriel asked coming up beside them. 

“Shut up,” they snapped as they took a few more steps to feel around. “Nothing,” they finally said. 

“So...”

“Zzo...” 

“Dose this mean we go onto the next step?” 

They nodded, “...I'll get the fire, you get the water.”

“And meet back at the room...” he nodded in return. 

Beelzebub then snapped themselves back to Hell to collect what was necessary. 

Both of them where terrified of this next part and in reality they both knew it, but nether of them where going to voice that now. They had come too far for ether of them to chicken out at this point.

Not long after they both found themselves sitting on the bed back in the motel room with containers of their respective items. Nether of them had moved in almost an hour. 

“Are we sure we want to do this?” Gabe asked quietly. 

“Of courzz we do,” they said but with little bite behind it. “Why would we zztop now?”

He simply nodded in reply. 

“Let'zz do thizz,” the said finally standing up from the bed. 

He wordlessly followed them over to the table where they put down their boles and took off the lids. A small colom of fire shot up out of Beelzebub's bole and the water in Gabriel's glittered slightly. 

“We need to make zzure nether of us can cheat,” they said grabbing his wrist. 

“What are you-?!” he said trying to pull away. 

“Now you grab mine,” they said. “Zzo nether of uzz can pull away,” they explained. 

“Oh,” he said slightly more calm. They held each others hands just outside of both boles. “On the count of three?” he asked. 

They nodded. “One...”

“Two...”

“Three.” They thrust each others hands in at the same time bracing themselves for the worst. 

It took a moment of them both realizing that they hadn't died before they finally opened their eyes.

“It worked!” Gabriel said, gitty with releaf.

“It did,” Beez said equally surprised. “It really worked.” 

They both took their hands out and examined them finding them completely unscathed. 

“We figured out how they did it!” 

“More impotently,” they said grinning wildly. “Thizz makes uzz just azz untouchable azz they are!”

“You're right,” he said finally realizing what that meant. 

“Ha ha! Come on, let'zz go gloat!” they said grabbing his hand and snapping them in front of the bookstore.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aziraphale and Crowley had been sitting in the back room of the book shop drinking for the last couple of hours. 

“Wait, wait... do you feel that?” Crowley said suddenly in the middle of one of Aziraphale's stories. 

“Oh dear, but no, it couldn't be. They wouldn't come for us this quickly would they?' 

“Not unless they figured out how we did it,” he said. “Come on, we need to at least sober up before they brake in or something.”

Aziraphale nodded and they both winced as the alcohol left their blood streams. Just as they finished there was a knock at the door. 

“We're closed!” Aziraphale called trying his best to at leas pretend that they didn't know who was there. 

The doors then opened on their own—or with a little help as the case may be—and non other then their former bosses walked in. Together. 

“Hey, not that it's not grate to see you, but it's not,” Crowley said coming out from the back.

“What are you doing here?” Aziraphale asked hoping against hope that it was not to actually kill them this time.

“We fingered it out,” Gabriel said. 

“Oh, oh you did,” Aziraphale said backing up slightly. 

“You didn't think you could keep your little trick hidden forever, did you?” 

“Well, um, no—but I had hoped that it would take longer then two weeks?” Aziraphale said smiling nervously. 

“Well we're a lot smarter than you give us credit for then,” he said. 

“We know you had zzex,” Beelzebub said proudly. 

“I- excuse me?” Aziraphale said not very confused looking over to Crowley.

“Don't try to deny it!” Gabe said. 

“We tezzted it,” they said grinning. 

“Come again?” Crowley said his eyes going wide behind his glasses.

“That'zz right, now we're just as immune azz you are,” they said as their grin winded. 

“We still don't know what will kill you, mind you, but we are all on a equal playing field now,” Gabriel said giving on of his big boss smiles. 

“Yeah, right, you sure showed us, now I'm sure you would like to go and wrangle your troops, am I right?” Crowley said trying to herd them in the direction of the door.

“Yezz, we have been neglecting that thizz pazzt week I zzupose,” they said giving Gabe a pointed look. 

“Quite right,” he said. “You almost had us,” he said with a laugh. 

“Yes, couldn't fool you, I suppose,” Aziraphale said plastering on a smile and helping them back out the door before quickly locking it and putting a stronger magic lock on it. 

“I don't know what was worse about that whole thing,” Crowley said sliding to the floor. “The fact that our former bosses think we secretly had a shit tun of sex, or the fact that our bosses just told us they they had a shit tun of sex.” 

Aziraphale sat down of the floor beside him. “I just can't believe it was that simple.”

“What do you mean?” he asked his hands on his face. 

“I mean that this whole time, for like most of the time we've been on earth, we could have both been immune this whole time if we had just fucked!” 

Crowley looked up, taken a back by the angel's language. “Would you have even done that though?” He asked feeling equal parts scared and hopeful.

“Well early on no but probably since... since Rome perhaps?” he answered. 

“What?! You would have been willing to have sex with me since Rome? And you never said anything?!”

“Well to be fair, dear nether did you,” he pointed out. “And besides, at the time it wasn't clear how closely out offices where watching. But I suppose now we know that if Gabriel and Beelzebub can disapire without being notices for a week to-”

“Don't, don't say it,” he said. “I really need to get that image out of my mind.”

“Right, well, now that we're on the same page, perhaps we can make up for lost time?” 

“Angel, that's the best idea I've heard all day.”

**Author's Note:**

> So that was a thing...


End file.
